The great and powerful SXSW is upon us, and with it, a slew of blog posts about the pros and cons of the season. Whether you warmly welcome the mass of humanity setting upon our fair city or mutter obscenities as they jack up the price of air travel, you probably fit into one of the following seven categories of Austinites. See where you fall along the spectrum:
A-TEAM: “Get off my lawn.”
- Those who remember Armadillo World Headquarters, Skillerns Drugstore, pre-Mopac transportation, and Aqua Fest (bonus points if you had a Skipper Pin)
- Allowed to complain/shake fist*
*might be mistaken for an elderly person**
**probably are an elderly person
B-TEAM: “You can be on my lawn, but only if you bring me a giant doobie.”
- Those who remember Eckerd’s Drugstore, jeans that fit properly, and blow-jobs on South Congress that didn’t include dinner and drinks
- Allowed to complain; fist-shaking optional
C-TEAM: “Get off my lawn.” *said ironically*
- Can be identified by number of Apple products in his man-purse; often confused for SXSW attendee; sneaky
- Not allowed to complain; legal to throw rocks at this person, although must be prepared to pay for broken horn-rimmed glasses (unless worn ironically, in which case you may stomp on them repeatedly)
D-TEAM: “What the hell’s the problem with this traffic? I’m going to be late for my manicure.”
WARNING: Soccer Mom (Do not fuck with these people.)
E-TEAM: “What is that bright disk in the sky?”
- Often referred to as “recluses,” these people remember a time before cell phones/laptops, when parking downtown was free.
- Complaining rights depend upon whether you’re too cool (see C-Team) or too old (see A-Team)
F-TEAM: “Get out of my town and go back to California, posers.”
- Moved to Austin after 1979
- Mistakenly think they’re allowed to complain; likely to be mocked by Teams A and B
SPECIAL TEAMS (Natives)
CAUTION: Handle with care; may be hostile
- Can be identified by pissed off facial expression and total disdain for others (especially when those others are from Dallas)*
- Allowed to complain while two-stepping over your grave
*Unlike F-Team, the Natives see Californians as just another irritating invasive species, akin to hackberry trees and feral pigs. No matter how often you clear the land or cull the herd, they just keep coming back.
And there you have it—your guide to a happy and safe SXSW. There’s no need to fight about it—just pick a team and go with the flow.
Now please get off my lawn.