20 Things About Turning 44

On the eve of my 44th birthday, I find myself looking back on lessons learned over the years. Here are a few I thought I’d share…

1. On keeping up with technology: Try staying one step ahead of your mother.
2. On long hair: It’s lovely until you find it on your toes.
3. On foreplay: Between cleaning toilets and rubbing lotion on my dry elbows, sometimes “Hey, wanna sex break?” is all you’re going to get.
4. On lingerie: See number 3.
5. On owning a business with your spouse: Two words: Separate offices.
6. On marriage: See number 5 (and probably number 3).
7. On cleaning house, I present an analogy: Macular degeneration is to housework what Spanx are to excercise.
8. On gaining weight: See “Spanx.”
9. On parenthood: Better you than me.
10. On sentimentality: If you don’t have kids, there’s no need for fine china or scrapbooking classes.
11. On cooking: Ketchup can fix many culinary missteps but usually not in baked goods.
12. On not eating meat: You will miss bacon. Seriously. You will miss it a lot.
13. On dressing appropriately for one’s age: Shoot for somewhere between Angela Lansbury and a hooker.
14. On expectations: Sometimes you will be disappointed, and sometimes you won’t.
15. On meeting Prince Charming: Sometimes you will be disappointed, and sometimes you will be very disappointed.
16. On addictions: If you’re going to have one, try falling somewhere between heroin and Taco Bell.
17. On heartbreak: Skip the heroin and go directly to Taco Bell.
18. On retirement: There’s still time to save. There’s also still time to buy an RV and matching leisure suits.
19. On plastic surgery: I’d rather have the RV.
20. On aging gracefully: Considering my history, it’s very unlikely.