In yet another feeble stab at bettering myself, I decided to try to meditating this morning. (And by “meditate,” I mean “drink coffee without checking email.”) So I’m sitting there for about 25 seconds, when my brain starts talking to me. (My brain doesn’t support my attempts at self-improvement.) This is more or less how the conversation went:
Brain: Hey – hey, you. Don’t pretend you can’t hear me. I know you hear me.
Me: I’m not listening, I’m not listening, la-la-la-la-la…
Brain: What’cha doin’?
Me: STFU, I’m trying to meditate here.
Brain: I’m bored. I’ll bet I can get you to think about doughnuts…right…NOW.
Brain: Hey, this is fun! Now we’re going to think about giraffes. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if they had to swallow pills? Like, if a giraffe had a headache and had to swallow an aspirin, how exactly would that work?*
Me: Shut up.
Brain: No, really—would he put the aspirin under his two-foot tongue? And then he’d have to bend all the way over to get some water, and the pill would fall out. Poor giraffes.
Me: I said shut up.
Brain: You suck at meditating.
Me: I hate you.
Brain: Mmm… doughnuts…
*I spend an inordinate amount of time
wondering if animals get headaches.