While planning their Colorado adventure, the Weenies made sure to leave a good amount of time for pure relaxation. We decided to spend the last five days of our vacation in a fairly remote area where we could unplug, rest and clear our minds before heading back to the real world of computers, deadlines and 100º+ temperatures.
After much research, we chose the tiny town of Alma, just south of Breckenridge, to host our retreat. More than a week of driving, hiking and sightseeing had us ready to unwind in a delightful mountain home. I should have known something was amiss when we realized that Alma didn’t make it into any of the guidebooks at the bookstore.
Everything started out alright; the landscape was breathtaking—the air cool and crisp. Snowcapped mountains exploded from the valley floor just steps from our living room windows. At night we could see every star in the galaxy. It was literally a mountain paradise. But as we all know from the movies, the more stunning a setting, the more likely it is that some sort of malevolent force is lying in wait… and that force probably doesn’t have internet service.
Alma, Day One: We arrive at our secluded mountain home in the early evening. The altitude has gotten to us, making even a trip upstairs exhausting. For medicinal purposes we eat some chocolate, pop a couple of Advil and go to bed.
Alma, Day Two: It’s the Weenies’ anniversary! We sleep, read, eat and generally enjoy each other’s company. Bill gets Ilene a nice gift. Ilene thinks trip to Colorado was supposed to be nice gift. Ilene feels like an ass for not getting Bill anything.
Alma, Day Three: Feeling sense of inferiority that while Bill is navigating his way through Walden Pond, I’m reading futuristic soft porn on my Kindle. He accuses me of secretly texting. Has he discovered that I’ve been sneaking out during his naps to stand in a field with my iPhone held high in the air, hoping for connectivity? There is a TV here, but we are determined not to turn it on. We’ve given thought to climbing onto the roof to try and get service, but who would take care of Dexter if we died in a tragic internet accident?
Alma, Day Four: Things are getting desperate. Trapped in our magnificent prison, Bill has started reading old junk email and looking through photos of our dead dog, Wally. Yesterday he sat at the window with binoculars, reporting on a team of climbers he saw atop the mountain ridge. I’m pretty sure he was hallucinating. Without considering the gaseous ramifications of feeding Dexter eggs, Bill dooms us to an afternoon of stink bombs wafting out from beneath the quilt we’re all sharing. Now it’s snowing sideways, so Bill takes inventory of our food supplies—he’s worried about scurvy. We’ve taken to wearing unibomber hoodies to bed.
Alma, Day Five: We’ve eaten four pounds of chocolate, three pizzas, a bag of cookies and some grapes. Yesterday’s highlight was brushing our teeth. Dexter keeps trying to get us to go for walks, but it’s as if we’ve lost the ability to move our bodies. He barfed last night in an attempt to give us a project to work on together. We’ve gone through almost all Trivial Pursuit questions from the 1985 edition and have considered breaking out an old jigsaw puzzle gathering dust under the coffee table. Bill obsessively plays solitaire, while I forage for carbs. We haven’t bathed in two days…
In the end, Alma was the perfect experiment for the Weenie family. Sitting in quiet contemplation was not an activity they were familiar with before. Now they can check that off their list and go back to watching Law & Order reruns and working until midnight.
Tune in next time for the final chapter in the Travelin’ Weenie series.
Part 1: Travelin’ Weenies – The Colorado Experiment
Part 2: The Comfort of Crap
Part 3: Weenie in Her Full, Upright and Locked Position
Part 4: And they’re off…
Part 5: Down in the Valley
Part 6: Lost in Condo City
Part 7: Man Does Not Live by Cookies Alone
Part 8: Mountain Mama
Part 9: Why Poodles and Spas Don’t Mix
Part 10: On the Road Again
Part 11: Vail